Recently we studied about what Indonesians talk about to get to know each other. Our lesson was about how Indonesians ask personal questions to get to know you and some westerners can get offended by this. We have been having small talk with Indonesians for about 8 months now, so we know the way it’s done. We know the questions to ask and how to answer them ourselves. But in our lesson it hit home why they ask the questions they do and how it reflects their values as a society.
There tends to be a pattern in the questions you ask someone you first meet.
What’s your name?
How old are you?
Are you married?
How many children do you have?
If they have children, are they boys or girls? How old are they?
Depending on the children’s age, are they married? Do you have grandchildren?
What religion are you?
What tribe/people group are you from?
Were you born here in Medan?
Are you sensing a theme? Lots of questions about family and also personal questions about religion and people group. Lots of questions are asked that as an American I consider personal but don’t mind answering.
In America when we meet someone new we tend to ask very surface questions: name, job, area of town you live in, where you’re from and that’s about it. Asking about a person’s job demonstrates that in America we value our identity in our jobs. In Indonesia, we rarely ask about jobs because they view jobs as a means to an end. Jobs are there to provide a way to take care of your family. Family is one of their highest values.
Another interesting thing about Indonesian culture is their use of titles. In America, we use Mr., Mrs., Dr. etc but usually when showing respect or talking to an elder. Here there many different titles and the most common ones are all related to family.
Bapak (a term for father, used for men older than you)
Abang (a term for older brother, used for men around your age)
Adik (a term for younger brother or sister, used for children younger than you)
Ibu (a term for mother, used for women older than you)
Kakak (a term for older sister, used for women around your age)
This is one reason why we ask how old someone is when we first meet them. Then we know what title to use with them. We have a helper who watches our children while we are in language class. We refer to her as Ibu or ‘Bu. Our teacher is close to our age, so we call her Kakak or ‘Kak, It’s like calling them Mom or Sis. And this goes with someone you just meet as well. When we get in a taxi we say “Selamat Sore ‘Bang” (Good afternoon Bro.") I find these ways of addressing each other creates a sense of community because of these familial terms.